The Unholy Trinity
by Czq'bqymc
Summary: The LUE Trinity makes its way into the Digital Bean.
1. Threshold

The Unholy Trinity

**NOTE**: This story revolves around "shock sites'', and contains a heavy amount of words that go over a lot of peoples' heads, plus some scatological stuff. All non-original characters and settings are the property of their respective owners.

Saturday was a very special day to Lizzie McGuire. When it came around, she grabbed some money from her brother's piggy bank and waited for her friends Gordo and Miranda to come to her house. Once the other two arrived, Lizzie joined them in a walk to the Digital Bean, a cyber-cafe on Highway 51, in the same building as a tanning salon and several upstairs apartments.

In the Digital Bean, Lizzie would buy the most expensive coffee the place offered, at a cost of $12.95 for six ounces of some heavily processed super-caffeinated stuff that came from the rarest coffee beans in the world. And then she would log into her webmail account, wade through the 1337-speak ads for "herbal Viagra'' and "Fast Money Now'', and read all the forwards her friends sent her.

Once the potent coffee mix kicked in, Lizzie would order the biggest breakfast platter the place offered, at a cost of $8.95 for a mountain of eggs, sausage, bacon, and pancakes, among other things. And then she would watch some music videos online and perhaps download some songs to her "rubber ducky'' thumb drive.

This continued until 6:30, when the Bean closed for the day, with Lizzie ordering a huge lunch and several snacks while she downloaded music and warez and caroused with her buddies. After the Bean closed, the three friends would leave for home, full, satisfied, and usually with a few extra songs for their gigantic MP3 collections.

At home, Lizzie would upload her new songs and warez to her OS 9 iMac POS, take her most prized possession - an 8x10 picture of Gordo - out of her desk drawer, and get on her bed to pleasure herself to the photo. As this happened, Gordo would play a heavily modified version of Quake II, in which all the enemies' heads were replaced by Lizzie's.

But one Saturday, something happened that changed everything...


	2. WTF

One Friday night in the Digital Bean, like every other Friday night, a LAN party took place, where the guests played CounterStrike and ate pizza. They also swapped porn and warez, and smoked marijuana in the bathroom. Near the beginning of this party, however, three particularly hated jerks smeared their excrement all throughout the room. This stench, as well as the smoke from all the weed the partiers had smoked, filled the bedroom that the exhaust fan was venting into.

This incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. Claryssa had dealt with the stinky bedroom ever since she moved into the apartment, by using a box fan to remove the exhaust from the room. Tonight, though, this wasn't working. 30 Slyders and eight slices of pizza multiplied by three equaled one heck of a mess, a never-ending olfactory assault turning the bedroom into a virtual gas chamber. The marijuana smoke only made it worse. Revenge was now in order, and it was going to be hard-hitting.

Claryssa had written a network worm that changed one's wallpaper to one of five grotesque and disturbing pictures: The Stinger, The Bathtub Fountain, The Harlequin, Pain3 or Pain4. She had thought of using an earlier version as a senior prank near the end of the 2002-3 year, but decided against it, as she remembered getting Reginald and herself kicked out for the last week of the sixth grade by compiling a list of offensive words with him, causing the two to miss out on that school's graduation.

But tonight was a different story. The Digital Bean couldn't take away her diploma, and they'd just call Reginald over to remove the worm and not even suspect that anything was going on other than a random worm invasion, which was a regular occurrence at the Bean. The issue was settled, and the worm was sent out to everyone on Claryssa's little list of Digital Bean regulars.

Half an hour after the seeding, Lizzie checked her e-mail from the Apple POS in her room. In between the "5 INCHES LONGER GUARANTEED'' and "Lizzie, don't open beanse.cx.exe'' messages was an innocuous little message entitled, "Digital Bean Regulars: Please Read''. Lizzie opened the message, which essentially said to copy the attachment, "beanse.cx.exe'' and run it on one of the Digital Bean's machines, supposedly to fix some "connectivity problems''.

Lizzie, being somewhat of a dumb blonde, did as the e-mail said and put the attachment on her rubber ducky. Then she logged out of her mail, conveniently ignoring the message Gordo had sent her, and headed for the kitchen to get a snack.

Meanwhile, Gordo sat in front of his 20-inch flat panel display, his face frozen in horror at his new desktop picture. He knew that was not a steak being held in that man's hands. And the worst thing about it, besides the fact that the wallpaper control panel had been replaced with a "PWNED''-type message, was that he knew that attachment was going to be something bad, and yet he opened it anyway!

Miranda had also received the demonic attachment, and after unpacking the attachment and extracting its bitmap and textual resources, she was in pure shock. A red gaping hole. A "nacho cheese'' fountain. A most terrible birth defect. And two collages of these evil images and several even more terrifying and disgusting ones, enough to send pretty much anyone to the porcelain bus, if not the brink of insanity.

From the text, it was obvious that this worm had been written specifically to hit the Digital Bean. Phrases like "This retard palace is PWNED'' and "Your bathroom fan's exhaust is going into my bedroom'' made this targeting clear. Someone was getting back for what the Bean had done wrong.

Once Gordo and Miranda regained some sense of composure, they went to further warn Lizzie about the attachment, through more e-mails and even a phone call or two. But this was pretty much ignored by Lizzie, who was now fast asleep after eating at least twenty peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Matt had received fifty bucks to shut him up about the Digital Bean worm, and their parents were taking in a show at the civic center several miles from home.

Around 10 o'clock, Reginald came over to Claryssa's apartment after getting the message about the worm. Once there, he sat down with her to talk about what was going on the following day.

"You're getting them to spread this worm through the Digital Bean?'' asked Reginald.

Claryssa handed him a sheet of paper with several scribbles on it and said, "At least one of them will fall for it. That paper tells you how to remove the worm.'' Reginald looked at the paper; among crude renditions of the LUE Trinity was a simple instruction: run the beangirl.bat script in the root directory and delete it.

"And you know I get paid $250 for this.''

"So it's a win-win thing.''

Reginald thought about the repercussions of such a thing, but, not wanting to disappoint his best friend, brought himself to say, "You're right. You win, I win, and as long as they don't find out, there's nothing to worry about.'' Yet he was worried, for if the Bean's owners found out, jailarity would ensue, and the two would receive the Dumbass tag on Fark.

"They won't find out, at least not in the foreseeable future, anyhow,'' said Claryssa. "And if they do, they'll be going down as well.''

"Going down? For what?''

"I'm sure there's some law against venting a bathroom exhaust fan into a bedroom, right?''

"I would think so. But that doesn't justify what you're doing, does it?''

"No, but at least it'll make me feel better.''

"True, true. I just hope this doesn't turn into something like when we did the swear word list.'' This inspired Claryssa to start a new list of offensive words, and Reginald stayed over to help.

When Lizzie's parents arrived from the show, Jo checked the answering machine, as she usually did when she came home. Mostly it was telemarketers and MCI calling, but the fifth and seventh messages came from Miranda and Gordo, respectively. Both messages were very much alike, with a tone of uneasiness and worry, as if Lizzie were going to accidentally walk off the Grand Canyon. And they had the same basic message: **DON'T OPEN THAT ATTACHMENT**.


	3. PWNED

Saturday morning came around, and Lizzie, ready as ever, came down the stairs to be greeted by Gordo and Miranda at the bottom of the stairway. They appeared very nervous, and rightly so, for they had to get the message about the worm through to Lizzie.

"Lizzie, we need to talk,'' said Gordo.

"About what?'' asked Lizzie.

Miranda held up a printout of the pictures contained in the worm and said, "About these.'' Lizzie started to gag at the sight of the pictures, and Gordo motioned Miranda to put the paper down. "You see, that thing in the e-mail doesn't fix connectivity problems, it puts those horrible pictures up on everyone's desktop!''

"Take that beanse thing and get rid of it!'' pleaded Gordo. Lizzie went back upstairs and erased every trace of beanse.cx.exe she had. When Lizzie returned, the three left for the Bean. There, they ordered their coffee and did some surfing, as they always did.

An hour after they had arrived, Ethan came into the Bean with his hot pink thumb drive, and Lizzie, having finished her super-coffee, felt things moving a little too fast and furious and waddled to the bathroom, where all those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches would make their way out, much to Claryssa's chagrin, of course.

Reginald, still in the upstairs apartment, heard the toilet seat below go down and ran into the bedroom with a plastic shopping bag. He removed the fake "heating duct'''s diffuser (the one that was always blowing out air), wrapped it with the bag, then put it back in, just as Lizzie started unloading.

Claryssa was sitting on the stairs just behind the door to the Digital Bean, waiting for some sign that the worm had taken hold. She didn't have to wait long, as Ethan got on a station and put in his hot pink thumb drive, the only color Best Buy had when he went to get one. He opened an Explorer window to the drive, and double-clicked the file named beanse.cx.exe.

The Pwnage of the Digital Bean had begun.

Within a minute, all the screens in the Bean were showing The Stinger. Groans of disgust filled the air. Gordo and Miranda looked around to see Lizzie come out of the bathroom, opening the door wide enough for it to hold itself open. This led to the smell of Lizzie's immense dump coming into the main room, since the fan had been plugged up by Reginald's dirty little bag trick.

Many patrons left the Bean immediately, owing to the bathroom odors coinciding with the sight of The Stinger's gaping "exhaust vent''. Lizzie stood confused in front of the bathroom door, as Ethan scratched his head, wondering what he had done. Gordo and Miranda shook their heads in defeat, realizing that although they had dealt with Lizzie's Beanse, other Beanses existed and some would be used.

By this time, the wallpapers switched to The Bathtub Fountain, which, combined with the fading - but still strong - scent, made for an even more unpleasant ambiance. Reginald took the bag off the diffuser, then came out the apartment through the back, got a restore CD from his car, and walked nonchalantly into the Bean.

Seeing that the screens were showing The Harlequin, Reginald knew that Pain3, the first collage of doom, was coming up. He ran to one of the stations, put the restore CD on the table, and opened up a command prompt to run and delete the Beangirl script. This restored the wallpaper of that station to normal.

There were fifteen more stations to deal with. Reginald cleaned up six of these, but then the "sands'' of the little overlaid hourglasses shown on the infected stations had reached the bottom. This was the signal that the wallpapers were changing, and this time, they changed to Pain3. Gordo and Miranda looked away as Ethan gaped at the disgusting collage, which included The Stinger and The Bathtub Fountain, as well as a variety of mutilations.

Reginald picked up the restore CD and used it as a shield from the horrible collage as he blindly entered the magic commands, unshackling each station from the grip of the worm and its shock images. Finally, he came to the station next to Ethan's and ran Beangirl. The wallpapers of doom were no more.

The smell of Lizzie's bowl-filling dump had also disappeared, getting sucked into the fan and sent through the usual route. As some patrons returned, Claryssa came out the door and asked, "What happened here?''

"Someone with the homo thumb drive must have put a worm into the network,'' said Reginald, pointing squarely at Ethan. Miranda took an opportunity to go to the payphone next to the bathroom door and call the village up regarding the suspicion that the Digital Bean's bathroom fan was indeed blowing into a tenant's bedroom.

Gordo then added, "While the hole stretcher and that nacho cheese fountain were on all the screens, Lizzie opened the bathroom door and let the smell into here.'' Claryssa ran back up to her apartment to laugh, while Reginald took his restore CD and followed.


	4. Aftermath

Two hours later, Reginald walked into the Digital Bean's office and handed the manager the bill.

"What's this at the bottom of the bill?'' asked the manager, looking at the message written in a convenient blank space: "Fix the fan now. The Village is coming for you.''

Reginald explained, "I saw one of your patrons calling the village about your bathroom fan, which, as I hope you know, is venting into the bedroom of the apartment upstairs.''

"Oh, dear. I didn't know about the fan,'' replied the manager, handing Reginald the $250 for the job. "I think we will be closing early today to deal with that situation.''

"That's a very good idea.'' Reginald headed back for Claryssa's apartment, and the two went back to work on their list of offensive words.

Later that day, a contractor came and re-routed the exhaust outside the building. When the village inspector came to check the accusation out, they found nothing wrong, and Miranda was publicly shamed until the manager confessed to having the fan situation worked out.

A few days after this, Reginald came back to the Digital Bean to disconnect all the front panel USB connectors at the stations in the hope of preventing future worm incidents, and made several hundred dollars. The disconnections led to outrage amongst the Bean's patrons, and to prevent himself from being seriously injured by scalding coffee and other weapons at the patrons' disposal, the manager had Reginald reconnect the front panel connectors at a cost of a few hundred more bucks.

Ethan subsequently ran beanse.cx.exe (under the guise of "Free Porn at the Digital Bean.exe'') for the second time, and, as a result, was banned from bringing in thumb drives.

The End – A Czq'bqymc Joint


End file.
